


i find your ghost again

by yzsho



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Dreams, Kinda open ending, M/M, Miscommunication, Not Actually Unrequited Love, also implied that its wacky soulmate business, lots of it really!, very... vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-16 04:18:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19310464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yzsho/pseuds/yzsho
Summary: Shoma's been having dreams about Yuzu.





	i find your ghost again

Shoma’s been having dreams about Yuzu.

He doesn’t know why and he doesn’t know for how long, because ever since they’ve started he’s been all wrapped up in them, living and breathing these fantasies only to wake up to an empty bed and a cold he can’t shake. But they’re all different, in scenario and setting and emotion but the one constant is  _ Yuzu.  _ Because no matter where Shoma is- no matter if it’s somewhere aflame with rage and bitterness or something light with unrestrained joy, Yuzu’s always there.

And Shoma wakes, and after every dream his first thought is how Yuzu looks at him. The way his eyes glimmer in whatever world they’re in, how even across each and every new place he seems unchanging. Whether that makes things better or worse Shoma doesn’t quite know, because sometimes he wakes up and can face Yuzu a little easier and sometimes the mere thought brings a flood of stinging guilt back to him.

He does wonder, sometimes, if Yuzu actually knows. Because sometimes on the bad days it seems like he’s keeping his distance and on the good days he actually gives him a little smile, a ghost of a touch once or twice. And then go back to the way things were.

That’s the thing, though- Yuzu’s been _ avoiding _ him, and somewhere along the line that's become the norm.

Shoma is sure he’s keeping it quiet enough, hasn’t told even Keiji about the odd dreams he’s been having. And as much as it hurts to some days, he still talks and laughs with Yuzu like they’re used to. But Yuzu seems to have just started.. withdrawing from him, despite Shoma’s best efforts. With the other skaters, he’s fine, but as soon as Shoma comes into the picture there’s an odd sort of stiffness that he hasn’t quite been able to place. Shoma spends a lot more time thinking about this than he would like to admit, so much so that it makes its way into his dreams one night.

It’s an odd one; not particularly frightening or sad, just… empty. He’s almost floating, walking with no weight to it in some kind of endless white void. But he keeps walking, because he feels like there should be something he’s looking for. There is, of course.

Yuzu stands there, at the end of it all. Completely motionless, staring blankly at the nothing before them.

Even as Shoma gets closer, even as his fingers skim Yuzu’s arm (his skin is cold to the touch) there’s no reaction. If anything he seems to grow more distant, Shoma’s touch feeling more faint with every attempt at getting Yuzu’s attention. The void stretches on and Yuzuru only stares after it. Shoma follows his gaze, tries to piece some sort of meaning together, but the only thing that greets him is the blank white and empty space.

He feels a familiar frustration prickling at him; the same frustration he’s had for the past few days. Because even  _ now, _ in this dream that’s meant to be the fake, better version of Yuzu, he won’t just  _ talk to him. _ If only to tell him what the fuck he’s been doing wrong this whole time or attempt to make some sort of peace. Even in this stupid goddamn dream Yuzu isn’t  _ doing anything. _

He looks at the fake Yuzu again, takes in every part of his features as if he hasn’t done the same thing with the real one countless times. That irritation surges back again, but this time with the slightest hint of desperation. Because if he can’t even get this fake Yuzu to talk to him, how is he meant to fix things with the real one?

_ Please. _ It comes out as quiet, little more than a small, staticy sound. But amongst the emptiness it’s an achievement in itself to break it. He grabs at Yuzu’s arms, but even what should be a tight grip feels light, not all-there. And there’s still no reaction. Not even a flicker of change in his expression.  _ Tell me what I’m doing wrong. _

_ Just talk to me, _ Shoma pleads, and still Yuzu does nothing.

All at once, the desperation gives away to pure frustration; he doesn’t know why Yuzu’s avoiding him, he doesn’t know why even this fake version won’t do anything, and he doesn’t even know why this fake version is  _ here _ to begin with-

He shoves the fake Yuzu back with what should be as much force as possible, but like earlier it still feels stifled.

Unlike earlier- unlike this entire dream up until now- something actually  _ happens. _

The fake Yuzu’s eyes suddenly seem alive, as if he’s finally come out of whatever trance he was in, and his eyes flick around frantically. Some part of Shoma feels satisfied, revelling in even the slight stumble, until he realises how Yuzu really looks.

It isn’t fear, or anger, or any of the reactions Shoma truly wanted. It’s- well, something indistinguishable. Shoma can make out brief bits and pieces- a flash of fear, some odd semblance of exhaustion- but it’s a haze of every emotion Shoma can’t identify. He doesn’t have long to even take it all in, because the fake Yuzu’s gaze meets his own and even in this dream he feels like he’s been punched in the stomach.

Shoma collapses to his knees the same moment everything in the landscape stutters and then it’s red red  _ red _ , burning his vision, tearing a scream from his throat and-

And Shoma is suddenly back in his bed, breathing heavy, the vivid colour bleeding out of his vision.

His phone tells him it’s 2AM. He doesn’t get to sleep for the rest of the night.

(The next day, Yuzu avoids him. Again. Shoma doesn’t know why he’d expected something different.

But just as they leave the rink, he catches Yuzu’s gaze- catches something soft and sad in the slight glimmer of his eyes- and thinks; _ almost.) _

* * *

Of course, not all of Shoma’s dreams are always like this. Some of them are normal, only a small sighting of Yuzu in the corner of his vision, and some he doesn’t remember at all. But these dreams are oddly reflective of Shoma’s emotional state, and in terms of Yuzu that’s always been… a lot.

He’d been lying if he says he hasn’t dreamt of Yuzu before this started happening, but never a Yuzu so strangely  _ alive.  _ One that, for all his efforts, Shoma has never been able to influence like anything else in his dreams. So maybe that’s why it’s been a while since Shoma’s truly spoken how he feels here. This version of Yuzu is one too close to reality, a constant guessing game of how he’ll react to any one thing. And now with this- this weird  _ thing _ they have going on, where Yuzu might know about this stupid dream thing or not- even if it’s Shoma overthinking Yuzu’s effort to at least talk to him, he doesn’t know if he could risk it.

But right now, Yuzu’s half the world away in Toronto. Even if he somehow does know about this, he can’t say anything about it. They don’t even text anymore, either. And Shoma’s kind of sick of his own paranoia over this stopping him from doing what you’re  _ meant to _ in a dream- escaping reality, but apparently Yuzu is so special and is now an exception. Shoma sounds bitter, and he kind of is, but he’s also-

Stupidly in love would fit. He’s not going to avoid it, or pretend it isn’t there; for him, loving Yuzu has always been a matter of just  _ knowing.  _ He knows why he hasn’t been able to take his eyes off of him since they first met, knows that the adoration isn’t all for his skating. Knows that Yuzuru isn’t going to love him back, and he’s okay with that. Or  _ was. _

Because these dreams- they bring out all of Shoma’s best and worst parts, everything he’s proud of and everything he hates about himself, all his doubts and fears and things he’s become too sure of, knocking them off axis. Including this crush. Because he’s become good at hiding things, disguising his true feelings with praise for Yuzu’s skating, about how good of a _ friend  _ he’s always been. But now, he wonders if he knows, because what if it doesn’t stop at the dreams, and Yuzu has somehow reached every corner of his mind? What if Yuzu  _ knows, _ and that’s why he’s really been avoiding him all this time?

And Shoma can’t tell anyone. Not even this fake Yuzu because he might  _ know. _ And it’s suffocating, knowing that he’s never truly going to escape Yuzu, all these constant reminders of all he will never truly have and the things he can't say.

So it’s inevitable, really, that Shoma breaks.

It’s a sudden thing- a snap in the air when Shoma lands in his dream that night. It’s blank and endless, and for a second he almost panics. But then there’s something there, a whisper of a memory. Yuzu and Shoma giggling on the podium, Yuzu flopping around and laughing at gala practices, Yuzu-

Yuzu right before him, and suddenly he’s breathless all over again.

And the memories suddenly mean nothing, falling silent to the sight in front of him. Yuzu seems there but also not, in the way his blank stare just barely gives way to a delicate vulnerability underneath, the way the air seems to still, and suddenly all there is is Yuzu, right there, right in front of him and yet still so out of reach-

_ Do you know?  _ It’s a simple question with an even simpler answer, and Shoma says it almost without realising. All Yuzu does in response is tilt his head slightly, his hand twitching a little. His expression falters, just enough for Shoma to see it. Slowly, he lifts his hands, holds Yuzu’s face as if it’s something fragile. Something deep within him breaks.

_ You know, _ he says, as if this isn’t tearing him in two.  _ You always knew. _

Later, he’ll come up with a list, think of every instance across the past five years where he’d let on to something more. But right now all he can think is Yuzu knows, Yuzu knows,  _ Yuzu knows.  _ And he doesn’t know if it’s just this Yuzu or the real one or if they’re just the same thing but he  _ knows, _ and suddenly all the emptiness throws him into a panic again, static noise clustering around him, threatening to choke him and Yuzu knows.  _ He knows. _

_ When,  _ he asks, a tremble in the hazy stillness.  _ When did you realise? _

Yuzu just shakes his head, gently takes Shoma’s wrists and moves his hands away. But he doesn’t let go, even as he smiles sadly and says no more. And Shoma wants to scream and cry and tell Yuzu all the shit he’s gone through because of this only for him to have  _ known, _ to keep dragging things on like this. Some rational part of him reasons that this won’t really do anything, this won’t change how things between them work, because this is all still fake, isn’t it? It won’t change Yuzu. It’ll only change this image of him.

It’s not going to change anything. So, he tells him.

He tells him about five years ago, watching him at the Olympics. Seeing the fire in his eyes, the barely restrained flames every time he fell. He tells him how he hadn’t realised back then, how it had been so easy, so harmless to brush it off as idolisation, because everyone wanted to be Hanyu. He tells him about the months after, about the thoughts that wouldn’t leave him, about the nights he’d spent sobbing over this  _ obsession.  _ And he tells him about all the years it had taken to come to terms with this part of him. He tells him that despite it all, he’d hoped this would all fizzle out soon, remain a little crush. Something to indulge in in the best moments and smother during the worst.

And then this happened. And now Shoma feels sixteen again, all unsure and staring ahead at a future he doesn’t feel secure in. And Yuzu doesn’t feel anything, still staring ahead, still giving him that sad look. Still not betraying whatever lies beneath.

_ Do you need me to say it?  _ He asks, almost desperate. Yuzu doesn’t do anything, yet there’s some kind of shift in the air, the slightest change in the white noise surrounding him. As if urging him on, to change things more. Shoma looks around at all the blankness before him, all that  _ possibility. _

_ I love you,  _ he says, and everything shifts again. Something becomes clearer, a faint laugh and Yuzu’s hand in his.  _ I love you,  _ again. Yuzu’s face drops the smile, the slight glimmer to his eyes.

Yuzu is staring straight at him. They’re still holding hands.

“I love you, Yuzu.” he says- really _ says  _ it- and things finally shift into place. Colours flood the blank space, memories and fantasies of the future, suffocating up the unknown and filling it with  _ future.  _ Something in Shoma feels  _ whole, _ an itch he’s finally been able to scratch. He feels light, airy with a sort of relief he can’t name, and in the moment he looks at Yuzu he can’t think of any reaction that isn’t positive, and-

And Yuzu drops their hands as if he’s been burned.

And he looks  _ scared. _

_ (It’s just a dream, _ Shoma tells himself when he wakes.

But that’s suddenly a lot harder to believe, and it can’t stop the tears from falling.)

* * *

Yuzu isn’t in his dream the next night. Shoma faces all their memories alone.

* * *

 

He isn’t in the next, either.

* * *

 

Yuzu hasn’t shown up for three weeks.

* * *

 

Shoma's starting to wonder if he'll come back at all.

* * *

Shoma's starting to wonder if things are really better this way.

* * *

 

The months go on. Shoma falls into his training. He tries not to think about Yuzu and fails. Every day he thinks of him, wonders what he’s doing in Canada, wonders if he truly  _ knows. _

But every day is another without Yuzu there in his dreams. Every day, Shoma becomes more used to the void where Yuzu should be, and every day is another one closer to the season’s start.

He’ll have to face Yuzu at some point, he knows.

He just wished he knew  _ when. _

* * *

They meet at Worlds.

GPF had been spent ignoring eachother, mostly. Playing up their friendship during any interviews only to distance themselves right after. The other skaters definitely notice, and when Keiji asks Shoma just says it’s down to being focused on training. Even as the competition moves on and Shoma counts himself out of everything involving Yuzu.

But at Worlds, there’s something in the air. Weighing down on Shoma’s mind, forcing a heavy fog on him through the short and free. Yuzu wins (of course he does) but he seems off, even in the joy of his victory. His smiles don’t quite reach his eyes, he doesn’t seem truly  _ happy _ even with the gold medal around his neck. But he still avoids Shoma, still hasn’t approached him at all, so Shoma takes that as his sign that he doesn’t need to do anything about it, that Yuzu doesn’t  _ want  _ him to.

At least, that’s what he thinks. Until they’re finally alone with eachother.

It’s after the free skate and victory ceremony, in the changing rooms. Boyang is long gone, leaving content with his bronze. Shoma had left, but realises halfway to the bus that he’d left his phone- and a good chunk of his belongings- on the bench where he’d gotten changed. Truly, he almost doesn’t go, doesn’t enjoy even the slightest chance of seeing Yuzu again. But he needs his phone, and Yuzu should be done getting changed by now anyway.

Shoma is partially right, because just as he opens the door to the changing rooms, he bumps into Yuzu, who is currently carrying Shoma’s bag in his arms.

Yuzu, who suddenly seems so much _closer._

The little air between them feels suffocating.

“I.” Yuzu stares at his feet, awkwardly. If Shoma moved forward, just a bit, there would be no more space between them. “I was just gonna give your stuff back to you.”

“Right.” Shoma says, feels his breath hitch a little. Of course it's only that. Yuzu looks up at him, gaze unreadable. He passes over the bag and digs Shoma’s phone out of his pocket in unnerving silence, and Shoma finds himself unable to look at him until he’s leaving.

Their gazes meet when Shoma turns back to him. Only to say thank you, he swears. But something passes between them, something unknown and  _ dangerous,  _ yet  all Yuzu does is smile, tight-lipped. Like he knows something. Fear seizes Shoma once more (he knows he knows he _knows-)_ but Yuzu doesn’t let onto it, doesn’t do anything apart from put his hand on Shoma’s arm, too gentle. He thinks it’s supposed to be comforting and it almost is, almost makes Shoma want to melt into this simple, fleeting touch. But Yuzu pulls away, something suddenly shifting in his expression. The air keeps shifting, bending and conforming with Yuzu’s mood, and it’s all Shoma can do to not run away from it.

“I’ll see you.” is all Yuzu says, softer than it needs to be. He brushes past him on the way out, leaving him with the heavy air and something unfinished stretching between them.

Shoma feels like there’s something more to this. Still something he’s missing.

Yuzu’s gone before he can ask.

* * *

 

Shoma remembers a dream, distant and fuzzy, from long ago. Back when this was only just starting. Back when he'd only tried to forget.

It had been like unpausing in the middle of a film, one long untouched and dusty with age. Forgotten. There’s no solid beginning, no real meaning.

But the story to be told is simple; Yuzu’s arms around Shoma. A grip so tight it should be suffocating, but Shoma collapses into it, lets Yuzu choke the air out of him. He doesn’t know if it’s because of the memory or not, but everything feels hazy, like when Shoma's just finished a program and all he wants to do is _sleep._

Yuzu’s arms are around him, and they’re shaking. The pieces of the dream fall into place, one by one, building a picture that is still so frustratingly unclear. Like the words that Yuzu says; Shoma knows he says them, thinks he could remember, but every effort is met with half-sentences, slurred and near silent. And no matter how hard Shoma tries, his memory is stuck replaying the way Yuzu had clung to him like a lifeline, too scared to let go.

Yuzu says something again- another thing too dizzying to remember. He looks at Shoma like he’s his entire world and yet at the same time like it’s the end of it. And they’re so, so close, Yuzu’s forehead brushing against Shoma’s, their noses bumping against eachother kind of awkwardly.

Yet the last thing Shoma remembers before he wakes up is always the tears streaming down Yuzu’s cheeks.

* * *

 

_ (Love. _

That’s what Yuzu had said- or at least, part of it- during that first dream. Shoma realises on a rainy day spent indoors, staring out at his window blankly. The word emerges from the storm, suddenly forced to the forefront of his mind. _ Love. _

Shoma spends a good few minutes mulling over the word, hoping that if he repeats it enough times he won’t forget it. Love, love, _ love.  _ The way Yuzu says it- incomplete, almost. The word clings to Shoma’s mind now, even through the fog of the memory that brings it. He replays it in his mind, over and over, tries to use it to guess what Yuzu had said before and after, but all he thinks is _ love. _

_ Love _ and the way Yuzu’s arms had wrapped around him.

_ Love _ and the way the air had stilled around them, how nothing else mattered but their embrace.

_ Love _ and the way he’d said it, the word rolling off his tongue like an admission.

_ Love. _

And finally, _ finally. _ Shoma starts to realise.)

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i missed yuzusho very much!!  
> in case you didn't see on my twitter this is ellie/chopinseimei! i changed my username on here to separate it from my main fs twt more ahdfghdf. my new rpf twitter is also @yzsho, it's on priv just bc i dont want it to be easily stumbled upon but i'll accept anyone who follows!  
> in terms of this fic... it was a very sudden idea and i very much wanted to write it and here we are! it's very open to interpretation but i do have my own idea of what's going on here; if u want to comment and ask i can explain but it's kind of all,, messy thoughts still. anyways tho, thank u sm to shinrea for letting me yell about this idea to u and not getting sick of me constantly giving progress updates ahdfhdfh
> 
> hope u all enjoyed!! remember to follow me on my new twt @yzsho for Epic Fic Updatez!


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